Job Hunting

So, I’ve been job hunting and experiencing some rather interesting “outcomes”. So, I’ve decided to write a template advertisement to give a more true representation of what really to expect:

 

We are looking for a person with at least five years relevant experience in elephant tassel cleaning. You must have a degree in animal husbandry or similar field, with a post doctorate in creative tassel mending to be considered. You must be passionate about elephant poo.

You must be a team player with a great sense of humor (gradings will be provided on joke telling at the six person panel interview IF you’re lucky to get that far…), but must also be able to work alone for weeks at a time. This is especially important as the only spare office space we were able to rent was a spare cell at the local prison, and once on site, you’ll be locked in as well.

You must have your own reliable car, as the prison is situated approximately 3 hours drive from the city. Please make sure you bring your own food and that your cellphone is charged up. You know, just in case.

You will be required to be on call 24×7, every week of every year. Sickness is frowned upon, as is death or anything else that might inconvenience us. You must submit a complete genetic assay of your entire family, going back at least two generations along with your application. Hair samples, finger and butt printing will be taken when you first enter prison.

Please click to apply online, where you will be directed to a 27 page analysis of your intellect, decision making processes and willingness to do whatever we tell you, no matter how ridiculous. Every employer you’ve ever had must be included in the application, along with a concise CV of no more than five lines. Please ensure that we understand that you can use the various microsoft office products, as obviously running a company successfully for eight years is not a good enough clue that you can. The ability to use the word “obsequious” in a sentence will be well regarded.

Lastly, while the job application process will last for two weeks (after which we will completely ignore you, despite saying otherwise), you should not apply too quickly as you will be considered desperate. Likewise, applying too late in the process is also considered bad. The legal department has told me “slacker” is not appropriate for an advertisement.

Your hours of work are 8pm to 5am Sunday through Saturday alternative weeks, where the rostering will change to 3am to 4pm Tuesdays and Thursdays, with an 8am start for the rest of the week. Please ensure you are familiar with the Mayan calendar.

This role pays minimum wage.

 

Obviously exaggerated for effect. But there are times I wonder….

 

H